I�ll take my starfish chocolate, thank you.

Ok. After a touch of research it seems I am one of the few who, until now, had not heard of the fabulous procedure known as anal bleaching. That�s right, folks! I was reading an article in Vanity Fair about the grand rift in Hollywood society between the fabled plastic surgeon Dr. Arnie Klein (helped make Michael Jackson look like the dead little royal boy one shiny white casket short of a wake) and his peeps and the ex-Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irena Medavoy (married some ugly rich dude and so is a perfect candidate for the next I�m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here) and her peeps. It seems Arnie may have over-Botoxed poor Irena, who now describes herself as �Jane Fonda in The China Syndrome--this is my Three Mile Island.� Anyway, I love Vanity Fair for all of their stories, great and small, but every once in a while something rare and unsavory grabs me. The rarer the better, the more disgusting the better. Sign me up for private tutoring immediately for all things creepy under the sun. I just can�t get enough. In reference to unsavories I must again quote Dave Gahan and say �just like a rainbow, you know you set me free.� (I always think of Dave Gahan as being into autoerotic asphyxiation for some reason). When I saw the words �anal bleaching� I had to know more. Not since the VF article on Plushies have I gone running so fast to the Internet to get the scoop. But I can�t find much on it, unfortunately. Mostly bloggers and lots of porn sites. So, like, I can kind of understand for the porn, I mean, those grrrls need gimmicks, don�t they? But what ever happened to good old dirty bloody sex, I ask you? Let�s go smoke these anus-bleachers out of their holes! What are we doing in Iraq? We should be out looking for the real killers! I digress.

So what�s the deal with this? Are we whitening all of our holes now? Sweet Gargy has an interesting take on it. I hope he doesn�t mind me calling him sweet. I just fell upon his native diaryland site upon googling for �anal bleaching� and found it fetching.

And looking at Gargy�s celebrity-riddled site reminded me of a disturbing trend I noticed on Oscar night. Look at this, ladies and gentlemen:

All of those people who beat her up? They were just missing a little anal bleaching!

Halle Berry was the first African American woman to win the Oscar. Thank God for anal bleaching!

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? Nobody! Thanks to anal bleaching! (Originally I had something about Emily Dickinson being a shut in here because I haven't actually seen The Hours and then woke up in cold sweats realizing I'd screwed up something really obvious and that I am completely fucked in my knowledge of Old Lady Writers. Oh well).

The Oscar for best actress is not really about acting at all, but instead�which completely gorgeous woman looks the least attractive (by Hollywood�s standards anyway). Now that�s acting! You noticed�Selma Hayek almost won but the unibrow really didn�t detract enough from her beauty. If she comes back next year looking like Ch� Guevara perhaps she might win.

Of late, between racquetball volley, Kristin and I have been discussing good old fashioned pantsing. What ever happened to pantsing? We�ve been fantasizing about wanting to pants certain people as they walk down the street, brown paper bagged groceries in arms, no underwear. Not only would it relieve stress for us, but it would brighten otherwise dull Massachusetts towns, giving neighbors loads to talk about. We also created a new sensation I know the kids are just going to love: The Old Fashioned Chinese Pantsing, which is like a Chinese fire drill but one of the people gets pantsed.

Since I had such a hard time finding information online about anal bleaching, I�ve decided to take it upon myself to spread the word. Feel free to download, enlarge, and print out on high quality iron-on sheets (don�t forget to mirror!) and apply on T-shirts at your discretion. Wear flagrantly. Can also be printed out on adhesive-backed paper that I�ve seen people use to make things called �stickers.� Then you stick them somewhere. Even on your newly bleached anus! Yay!

I only wish Kurt could have lived to see this. He would have been proud. *Sniffle*