My sister sent me, snarling, a list of the 25 hottest buzzwords in business right now. I received it, snarling. Buzzwords can bite my ass. I know a few people who hide behind them consistently. And things at our family business are really fucked up right now, so here�s my own list:

The Movado Effect: When someone is hired to do some outsourced work because of his or her expensive-looking clothes and accessories over skills.

The Mikado Effect: When an employee is hired simply because he or she is Asian, and the employer relies on his or her own racist tendencies to make the assumption that he or she must be the smartest applicant.

The Milk Wagons Effect: When a woman is hired because of her large breasts.

Negative Maturation: When an employee gains power because he or she has been with the company for a long time and instead of doing minute damage on a small, controllable level, he or she begins to wreak real havoc because of the new power.

Cross Pollination: When a negative employee causes problems in everyone�s department, not simply his or her own, because of his or her incompetence.

Obese Musher: An employee who shouts orders to the employees whom he or she considers dogs, but cannot carry his or her own weight. He is willing to sit on the sled, but doesn't have the goods to get the job done.

Absentee Don: A boss who is never there but treats everyone as if they should kiss his or her ring.

Familial Flagellation: In a family business, when family salaries/expenses and the like are cut, sometimes more than once, to raise the bottom line. Also known as �Putting the Horse Under the Cart.� This is often accompanied by salary/expense cutter telling other non-family employees that familial high salaries are the reason money is tight. This scenario is known as Familial Flagellation with Switcheroo.

Golden Shower / Full Toilet: When an idea is thought to be golden but turns out to be piss. Example: �Conceiving, marketing, and selling New Coke really turned out to be a Golden Shower. If we hadn�t pulled it when we did it really could have been a Full Toilet!�

The Cock Waver: The guy who doesn�t say hello in the halls but makes his presence known with antics only short of pissing around employees' office doors. There is a law that goes along with this: The amount of cock waving and the size of said cock are inversely proportionate.

Ah, how terribly predictable to end with a dick joke.

Odd thing I found: