Because of my very Catholic father who has put me on some crazy list�probably by subscribing me to this My Daily Visitor prayer book thing, that arrives every month or so�my postman now thinks I am some rabid pro-lifer. Today he looked sideways at me while handing me my mail. I looked down and saw this American Pro Life League thingy, addressed right to me, with my name on it and everything. I wanted to yell out�the book you�re handing me�it�s the Playboy Gourmet Cookbook from the 70s that I just won on Ebay! Doesn�t that say anything to you??? See, being on a Catholic list is not unlike being on some �!XXX GROW YOUR PENIS XXX!� list because you have hotmail.

Yes, my friends, I receive snail spam from the Catholics. I get catalogues that sell t-shirts with pictures of fetuses on them. I get all kinds of nunneries and seminaries asking for my moneys. I have medals of St. Cecilia and the Blessed Mother coming out the wazoo (I�m not Catholic anymore but throwing that away with last night�s vindaloo still fosters some good old guilt).

I got one thing I actually liked�an invitation to join the Sacred Heart Auto League. Enclosed was a little plastic thing with a picture of Jesus looking over the highway with the words �Sacred Heart Auto League Member� in gold. I didn�t give them any money but you know I damn well put that in my car. They, of course, wouldn�t understand the kitsch factor. Hell, Jesus Himself is probably embarrassed. He�s all, �Dude�I�ll protect you in your car, but Jeez, do you have to make it look so goofy?� It�s like how they�re putting Dostoyevsky on lottery tickets now in Russia. His family is up in arms because he struggled with a gambling addiction his entire life. Don�t mess with Da �Stoy, Holmes.

PS. I�d like whoever wrote in my guestbook, �You should pay less attention to my business and more to your own. Grow up. from Your Father� to know that my father would never say that. In fact, your silly voice is so strong and your hatred is so palpable that I know who you are. My dad is happy that I give a shit about his life. In fact, we get all up in each other�s business all the time. This week alone he sent me about six cassettes worth of song suggestions for the club act I�m putting together. You should be so lucky to have had such a relationship with your father when he was alive. Also, my father is fully aware of how I feel about this woman and didn�t marry her in the first place in part because my siblings and I talked to him about her. Why I am gracing your sorry narrow ass with a response? Oh, right, because you suck and I just can�t help it. Why don�t you try taking some of your own advice�You should pay less attention to my business and more to your own. Grow up. From YOUR DAD. BTW, Dad doesn't have access to computers at Harvard--although, he could if he wanted to now since I'm a member of the alumni association.

Hey, kids, go immediately to iTunes and download Serge Gainsbourg�s �Sex Shop: Sex Shop.� Don�t be confused�there are several songs entitled �Sex Shop� this or that, all of which are good. Enjoy.