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1:51 p.m. : 2005-02-25 : Shit Delivered--Straight To Your Home!

I get a call from some stupid blow-smoke-up-your-ass Gold Credit Freedom Company this morning. The guy gives me a little song and dance about how I�ve been approved for some $5000 line of credit: �I just need to ask you a few questions to make sure you�re still approved.�

So I�m all, �No thanks, I don�t take anything solicited over the phone.�

He�s says (somewhat desperately), �Well, are you sure, m�am, because you could be missing out on the deal of your life?!!�

And I�m all, �I don�t think so. I�m all set with my credit.�

Jesus B. Anthony, I hope to God that a credit card with a $5000 line of credit isn�t the deal of my life! Deal of my life: A lifetime supply of artisan cheeses, five million dollars tax free with no strings, having loved ones back from the dead� well, scratch that last one� it could stank.

I actually had one guy whine on the phone to me as if I were his fellatio-withholding big-haired tan girlfriend: �Come ooooon, m�am. Pleeeease?!!!� It was gross. Amoebas on fleas on rats. I told him I couldn�t see his winning smile over the phone so whining like a baby wasn�t going to get him where he wanted to go.

Have you guys ever seen this terrible show Home Delivery? It�s SO BAD!!! They shoot about five minutes of footage and then stretch it over half an hour. You see the same stupid thirty seconds over and over again. It�s the WORST. The only thing I like about it is that it also has the most terrible theme song that is fun to pop and lock to. It�s basically a show about helping people overcome (some cheaters, some 700-pound women eating chicken skin), so the theme song goes, �It�s your time to shine!� I�ve adopted this little musical line to sing when extras on other television shows really POP onscreen. For example, on Law & Order recently, a raven-haired guard taking a murderer back to his cell really popped! His eyes flashed and his alertness was unrivaled. I couldn�t help but sing, �It�s your time to shine!�

Look at it:

It�s so shitty it looks like they�re taking the picture themselves!

�Fuck it, Dude. Let�s go bowlin�.� �Walter Lobchak

The Coen Brothers never cease to make my heart smile.

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