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2:29 p.m. : 2002-05-22 : Corpus Functionus and other stoopie things
A boy I know who I will call Lorne told me a really funny story about when he was in the boy scouts. After a grueling day in the pursuit of the Almighty Arrow of Light Pin or some such they had some nighttime meeting thing and found themselves in a one-room cabin, lit only by several candles. One of the older boys began telling a story about a Native American named Ta He or something who used to roam the area around the campground and on and on years ago. Well Lorne was tired and the room was warm and it being dark and all Lorne tried and tried to stay awake through the long boring story but to no avail. And right at the end of the story, when the older boy said, �Ta He still roams these parts and if you listen carefully, you can still hear him�� And right at that moment, the in and out of sleep Lorne let out an airy horse-whinny fart, and everyone laughed. I don�t know what it even was that one could still hear Ta He do. Anyway, Lorne made Eagle Scout eventually, which I think is pretty cool. And talk about good timing, I mean, if you�re going to poot in public you�d might as well fool people into thinking you�re doing it to be funny.
One of my other friends, let�s call her Angela, called me last year and in a low, embarrassed but aware of the humor said, �I just crapped my pants.� I was like, �Angela! What the hell!?� We laughed. Then she told me that she put the poor undies in a Star Market bag, tied a knot, and threw it off her fire escape into the virgin snow below.
This whole David Blaine thing is, well, weird. And everyone keeps making a big deal about how all of his ex-girlfriends are so gorgeous and famous and great and how �he gets the chicks� and Leo is his best friend and all (don�t ya think Jack White is really Leo? But I�ll do that shimmering expos� next time if I can scrape up enough celebrity lookalikes to do something substantial). Now, I think he�s adorable too but see he �WENT� out with Angie Everhart, Fiona Apple, etc. They�re his EX-girlfriends. And if he was even too weird for Fiona, well, he�s too weird for me. Of course there always has to be one crazed partner in every relationship and I guess Fiona couldn�t take up all of the emotional space when David had her beat� and with magic and stuff. I would think it would be pretty disarming for Fiona to be throwing a tantrum because David didn�t rinse the ketchup off his plate and all of a sudden he rips his heart out of his chest and starts writhing on the floor (as he did last night on the Carson Last Call show). Pretty disarming, indeed. So tonight he�s going to be standing on some 90-ft platform with a catheter in his weewee and everyone will tune in. And if he�s so magically delicious, why don�t the graphics on his site show up?
Isn�t it weird to see supermodels posing as classy Grace Kelly types in Harry Winston advertisements when you know they�re in the bathroom throwing up their Al Forno asiago bagel between takes? I know it�s gross to say� it�s just annoying.
So my dad sent me this fookin� great photograph of a relatively young Tony Bennett that had been autographed to my mom for her birthday. It�s hysterical because he�s wearing a big sweater with a huge �B� on it that one can only assume is for �Benetton.�
I�ve decided that my new �I�m confused� is going to be, �I didn�t mean to get all paunchy Elvis on you.� This was born of a, for some reason, particularly hard-to-follow game of cutthroat the other night. I kept getting all paunchy Elvis on Brent and Steve and forgetting if I was 1-5, 6-10, or 11-15. Brent beat us both times anyway.
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Goodbye, Mailbox. Bye-bye.
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