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6:53 p.m. : 2002-06-21 : I'm going to sic on her: Rhoda, all the dogs named Rhoda, the Powerpuff Girls and "hit her over the head with the Torah" and Dance the Horah on the Whore-ah.

My name is Rhoda Morgenstern.

I was born in the Bronx, New York, in December 1941.

I've always felt responsible for World War II.

The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food.

In school my grades were ok, mostly Bs and Cs. Except for Self Control.

I had a bad puberty; it lasted seventeen years.

I'm a high school graduate. I went to art school. My entrance exam was on a book of matches.

I decided to move out of the house when I was twenty-four.

My mother still refers to this as the time I ran away from home.

Eventually I ran to Minneapolis, where it's cold and I figured I'd keep better.

Now I'm back in Manhattan.

New York -- this is your last chance!

Today I wish I could watch Rhoda all day. I�m wearing a Pucci-inspired scarf on my head in hopes it will Valerie Harperize me just a little. I love Mary Tyler Moore but Rhoda is just so damn street, you know? And so New York. And in my Google search for a pic of Ro, I�ve deduced that many humans name their puppies Rhoda (even the pug lounge pupper is named Rhoda). Fat ones, skinny ones, juicy ones, mini ones.

I really do love the Powerpuff Girls. And Tazo Zen Blend green tea tickles my fancy from the inside out. It�s doing wonders for my inability to squeeze the fat ass out of the bell jar today.

Got my first episode of Bon Appetit magazine, just in time for summer when I�m trying to make myself at some point look hot in my bikini. Do I always have to foil my own plans? Anyway, it�s supercool because Chris Schlesinger who owns Brent�s restaurant has a spread (I do not like that word) of Indian recipes in there. He�s a MAN who cooks with FIRE. I LIKE it. I said that like Jon Lovitz would.

There are times in life when the phone ringing is the worst sound in the world. When you�re worried someone you don�t like is going to call you. That�s a bad one. When my mom was super sick towards "The End" and went into the hospital that first night the sound of the phone was like screams that cut through my chest. And today the phone ring is just uncomfortable.

So I�m all about the Screenmaster 5000 (caller ID) today. The father�s girlfriend, Badabing, has been trying to call me to �apologize� for taking my mother�s purse. She�s only calling me because I had a long talk with my dad on Monday about how she isn�t respectful and that I found it interesting that she only apologized to my sister Karen, who happens to be the president of the family business now, and is considered by some to have the most influence on my father, yet she didn�t think the rest of my sibs and I were a �problem,� nor do we �matter� so why should she waste her time apologizing to us. So I wrote down a whole slew of things I�m going to say to her when I let her stop squirming and pick up the phone. Meanwhile she is so clueless that she called Nancy and Joe yesterday to �apologize� fully not realizing it was a hard day for us all, being my mother�s birthday. So the main thing I�m going to tell her is that the purse really isn�t the biggest issue and that I really don�t like her because she hates Jewish people. And I don�t like people who make blanket statements about a whole group of humans and I�m not a big fan of hate, either. And my best friend is Jewish. Fuck her, that bitch. She really will be sorry when I answer the phone. (I also hate confrontation so I�m kind of in a Land of Avoidance). I bet her pub hair is shaved into a Hitler moustache!

Wouldn�t you know it when an $1800 purse showed up amongst your things? Hmmm�. Anyway. As my sister�s yoga instructor says, I shouldn�t let her live rent-free in my brain. Or here on my site. Beyotcha Schmata!

Have I mentioned lately that every time I feel ok about being a human someone goes and pees on the seat and doesn�t clean it up? I don�t understand this phenomenon! And that these women gingerly step out of the bathroom, hold the door for me, look me in the eye and smile, knowin� FULL WELL there�s a big �ol puddle �o their pee on the seat?? Why am I cleaning up their pee? WHY???? Do I have a sign on my head that says, �I want to Clean Up Your Pee�? Bajeeezus.

One other thing that annoys me is the way that most priests say �Jesus� in this �someone�s delicately holding my ballsac� way, where they emphasize the last �s���Je-zusssssss.� There used to be this Satan Priest at my dad�s church that said it like that, with a big shit-eating grin on his goat-like Beelzebub puss. My sister Nancy had to make damn sure this Satan Priest didn�t perform their wedding.

I found Ricky Schroeder attractive when he dressed up as a girl on Silver Spoons. There. I�ve said it. The �Ricky becomes Rick,� going through the old puberty episode, is apparently the one that �jumps the shark,� a phrase that comes from when The Fonz jumped the shark on Happy Days and it was the high point, the pinnacle, never again to be rivaled. After the shark is jumped, the show tends to go downhill. Some think the one where Ricky gets rid of the train jumped the shark. A lot of people (who am I talking about?) are saying that Rachel having the baby on Friends was jumping the shark.

Word of the Day for Friday June 21, 2002:

persiflage PUR-suh-flahzh, noun:

Frivolous or bantering talk; a frivolous manner of treating any subject, whether serious or otherwise; light raillery.

He was somber and wordless and utterly unresponsive to my mother's charming persiflage. --Rosemary Mahoney, [1]A Likely Story

It was a brutal spectacle to watch this Coney Island Keatsian subjected to Winters' unrelenting persiflage. --Richard M. Elman, [2]Namedropping: Mostly Literary Memoirs

Persiflage comes from French, from persifler, "to banter," from per-, "thoroughly" (from Latin) + siffler, "to hiss, to whistle," ultimately from Latin sibilare, "to hiss (at), to whistle."

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