Last rant, I promise.

:::::::crosses fingers:::::::

Okay� of course we�re all narcissists to one degree or another but some are well-oiled machines. And instead of wasting away like Narcissus did, they look for the narcissus flower (that Narcissus� body turned into upon death) in everyone and everything to give their life meaning. Instead of in themselves. And those people and things are merely objects that are there to suit their needs and if they don't, they're evil. It�s funny really, how fanatical self-love and self-loathing are so closely related.

I was just doing some research on narcissism and it�s quite interesting. And just as I thought. Sometimes people place blame and project their own narcissism onto others because it�s easier than admitting to themselves they�ve overstepped moral taboos through their own self-absorption. If they�re too fragile to allow a huge blow to their self-esteem they will lash out instead, creating an ordered set of ideas to believe in lieu of the truth; in lieu of admitting they�ve done wrong. The human brain does wonders to allow us a cushy home away when our present state is too fragile to view the truth from what is often one�s own cold hard reality.

The most interesting thing related to this that I�ve found out in the world is that often the narcissist�s descriptions and accusations of the people they�ve decided to blame are directly revealing of the things they know intrinsically about themselves�projection and all that. �You let your ego get in the way and lost the music� can really mean �I let my ego get in the way and lost the music.� It�s chilling, really. This happened with my brother�s ex-wife too. She made up all sorts of shit about him just to escape her own icky self and it ended up being more telling about who she was than about my brother. I think Courtney Love does it too.

It�s funny how clear a view a narcissist can give you into his or her psyche when he or she plays the blame game and starts mudslinging. It usually turns out that mud came out of his or her own soul and can be read like tea leaves.

A narcissist doesn�t think of other humans as having existed before he meets them. Hence my songs didn�t exist in his mind until he heard them. Narcissists are of the �if a bear craps in the woods and I�m not there to hear it a bear isn�t crapping in the woods� school of thought. Hence by just the mere listening to the songs the narcissist automatically assumed we were a band. That�s why it was so weird to him when �We ceased to be the band PS and it became simply Jenn with the assistance of E.� Now, if I�m not mistaken, didn�t all of my songs start out as Jenn with the assistance of E? That�s sure what it seemed like to me. I mean, I think I existed before he came over to my house (I know the songs sure did)? But I could of course be wrong?

His creativity rings hollow to me now, and he�s really making himself look bad without even realizing it. When you put up someone else�s work on your web site and call it solely your own, even if you�ve had some hand in those particular recordings, which God knows I�ve never denied, you bring into question all of the other music you�ve made, words you�ve written, photographs you�ve taken, ideas you�ve said. When you put up someone else�s work and call it solely your own you make people cringe because it brings into question everything you�ve done before and claimed as your own. And the only reason they don�t cringe is that they don�t know because you�ve engineered them not to know. If that�s not narcissistic, I don�t know what is. Which makes it very obvious to me that you�re living a lie even more so than I ever could have thought. I continue to give you the benefit of the doubt and you keep proving yourself worse. I believed you had valid ideas and were intelligent and talented even after we had our falling out. But you�ve really shown your true colors now, and I know more every day that I made the right decision. That you would sacrifice all of your integrity and credibility just to put something up and claim it as your own and omit pertinent truths just to feel as much attention as possible is chilling to me. Absolutely chilling.

You described yourself perfectly when you falsely described me as having a fake sort of charisma that when its surface is scratched reveals something vain, black, and monstrous. It�s hilarious, really, because people can say lots of things about me, negative things, but I know for a fact I�ve never, even in my worst moments, exuded something black and monstrous. Sure, we all have a dark side, but black and monstrous I just don�t have in me. I need more black and monstrous, in fact. I wouldn�t get myself into situations with those who are black and monstrous as often because I wouldn�t be so trusting and would probably instead beat them to the punch with my own monstrous blackness! But you really can�t deny your own aura. You can say words and dance in front of the truth but it�s so visible when you really look. I haven�t even had to dig for it. You�ve revealed it all on your own. And lyrics such as �Darkness Visible.� Unless, of course, someone else wrote them. I�ll never be sure, thanks to you. Just so you realize, in trying to efface me you�ve effaced yourself.

Oh wait�no individuals did anything because the music appeared miraculously in front of us, bigger than us like the weeping Madonna, separate from our tawdry humanness. And lo, we were Saved! Until I yanked it away, devil that I am. No, I just don�t like being pushed around, effaced, and my songwriting taken for granted. I tried to tell you politely, but that didn�t work. Because you had no intentions of being anything other than a Pushy McPush until you got what you wanted. You even told me, when you were asked by Dave to please not just approach the woman in charge of the label at Q-Division because it wouldn�t be proper, �that�s how I�ve always gotten things. I just push and push until I get it.� I don�t think that�s the right approach for my music. Or my life.

(I would also like to state that I am only getting the bare minimum of necessary information from third party sources to protect myself as far as the nastiness written about me goes. I do not read it anymore but simply keep tabs. But I am always interested in thinking about what makes people tick or tock).