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1:27 p.m. : 2003-03-03 : I Want Herpes!!!

�TAKE CHARGE!� The gospel voice sings, as couples cavort in rainforests, bike down treacherous cliffs and careen through the white water in their kayaks, mouths open in effort and anticipation, gleaming muscles wet with lust.

I want herpes. No, I really do! Then I could take Valtrex and really take charge of my life! People with herpes are EXTREME! They are always doing extreme sports and they�re always coupled, ready to screw on some high cliff wall, even though �you can still spread herpes to your partner!� Now, that is really extreme.

�GO!� And I want asthma too. Then I could take Advair and a camera would follow me around, morning to night, where I would really get stuff done at work, people would hand me plans rolled up in poster tubes, I would meet hot singles out at smoke-filled bars, and yet be happy to go to bed at night alone because my life with asthma is just so goddamned rewarding all I need in the world is my Advair.

And I want seasonal allergies. I would feel such a part of something bigger, you know? Then I could listen to The Who all day on This Beautiful Planet Earth and dance in communes with the best smelling most attractive hippies in existence. And we would have b-b-q�s and smile at each other day, as the world turned like a Crazy Trip, Man, and the Clarinex is our Sun, Man, incubating the world like Warmth from the Bodhisattva, to grow and grow into the Lotus Flower and We�ll Identify Its Jewel together, Man. Dancing with the chicks in slacks.

And if I had osteoarthritis I�d be a really good gardener. And I could run around with a big yellow dog. I�d name the dog Vioxx. Or Celebrex.

And if I had a lot of trouble sleeping all I need is the blissful-sounding Ambien, and I could wake up on a beautiful crisp pillow, my window looking out on the multi-million-dollar-average-cost-homes on the island of Sausalito, as a basket full of yawning puppies rests peacefully in the sun of my giant picture window.

And if I had a problem with impotence all I would have to do is call the doctor and simply ASK about Viagra. Just ASK. And the next day at work I�d all of a sudden be a large virile black man. �What is different about him?�

And don�t even get me started on the Sisterhood of the Yeast Infection. Gimme ovules, baby!

People have a lot to say about the misleading information (or lack thereof) in television commercials for prescription drugs, promising a lifestyle they can�t deliver. Click here for one.

last - now - next

Give Me Clix, If It Pleases You

I declare this blog �old timey,� ya flibbertigibbet! - 2012-05-27

I Heart Heart Of Gold! - 2006-03-27

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'Cuz We Need A Little Christmas... - 2005-12-06

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All material on this site �2001 to the present copyrighted Ruby Fuss Inc. except where otherwise noted, quoted, or linked. Design �poo designs with colors and images by Ruby Fuss and other parties noted and linked (Scientist graphic by busy-milkman). To quote Sailor Jerry, "Steal [it] and we will sue you." Stir and enjoy!