What�s with all the olive haters lately? It seems like they�re coming out of the woodwork en masse. I�ve had three people in the last four days make snarly faces and tell me they hate olives.

Fruit/vegetable/legume haters.

Though it does look like some people are obsessed with Olive Oyle and here are some tips on where to find her at her sexiest, out of the dowdy outfit that boasted no bustline.

I love olives. Stuff them with garlic cloves and I love them even more. I love the fact that they�re ancient and that the olive branch is a peace offering. And there is almost nothing more flawless than extra virgin olive oil. Someone I know rubs is all over her body in the shower. It just doesn�t get much more sensuous than that.

If I were an olive I�d be an Hondroelia.

________________________

I was reminded of the formidably amusing and smart God Hates Figs site while reading Genghis Jon�s hilarious (and completely worth reading as always, go there NOW) God Hates Fags entry.

________________________

To counter this intense hatred of olives I must recount the tale of Oscar who would come into Copy Cop when Wil�s old roommate Jeff worked there. Jeff described him as a �crappy little guy� who only came during the warmer months because he just couldn�t stand the cold. Oscar would bring stacks of cartoons he had drawn and some he had found of anthropomorphic food items, such as a strawberry greeting the dawn and �Bagel Family� as well as my personal favorite, a bagel with a crown and scepter that he dubbed �Bagels a la King.� Bagels!!! Fuckingbrill.

Oscar would ask Jeff to make copies and in turn Jeff would make additional copies for himself. Oscar�s food obsession did not stop at the cartoon medium but seeped into the literary forum as well with a masterpiece known as The Hamburger Horror, which Jeff also brought home. The writing went something like this:

�Mike, why are you late to work today, Mike? We can�t have this kind of thing here, Mike. You need to shape up or ship out.� Steve leaned on the display case.

�Get offa my back, Steve, I tell you. Steve, you�re not being fair.�

The novel goes on to describe an apocalyptic landscape being terrorized by some sort of giant hamburger monster but the best part has nothing to do with food and its incongruity makes it even more chillingly delightful. The piece de resistance, whose page number we all had memorized for awhile, is the bizarre sex scene between two lesbian sisters, on the sticky brown vinyl backseat of some broken car, while cockroaches crawl all over them, devouring their flesh. The girls are so into their sinful act that they don�t even notice they�re being eaten alive.

I�m sure there are cockles and sub-cockles of Oscar�s brain this scene alone brings to light, only to reveal more darkness and raise more questions. Is he so obsessed with food that he�d like to know what it would be like to be food himself? Hence all of the cartoon foods with human characteristics? Perhaps. Maybe that�s what The Hamburger Horror is all about. Lesbian sisters = stock fetish. Add the cockroaches and you�ve got Oscar�s porn. If I remember correctly, all through the scene he was talking about how �naughty� they were and being eaten alive was their karmic just desserts (why was I cursed with the Power of the Pun and a Tourettes-style need to express it?).

Someone was just telling me the other day about a guy who enjoys sex with fruit (I�m sure this is a lot more common than one might think). The great thing is he would buy a melon every week, cut it in half, and jam away. It brings a new dimension to that old joke, �Canteloupe tonight, Dad�s got the ladder.�

Word of the Day for Sunday August 18, 2002:

opportune AHP-er-TOON, AHP-er-TYOON, adjective:

Suitable for a given purpose or occasion; timely.

There is a war on. It's not the most opportune of times to distract the president with a phony political scandal. --James Taranto, [1]OpinionJournal, January 14, 2002

With corporate America under siege, there has never been a more opportune moment to adopt better business practices. --Arianna Huffington, "The Coming Corporate Revolution?" [2]AlterNet August 12, 2002

O lesson opportune, O how I welcome thee! --Walt Whitman, [3]Leaves of Grass

Opportune is from Latin opportunus: ob portum, "toward port". For travelers at sea who wish to return to land, it's a welcome wind that blows toward the port.