I get a call from some stupid blow-smoke-up-your-ass Gold Credit Freedom Company this morning. The guy gives me a little song and dance about how I’ve been approved for some $5000 line of credit: “I just need to ask you a few questions to make sure you’re still approved.”

So I’m all, “No thanks, I don’t take anything solicited over the phone.”

He’s says (somewhat desperately), “Well, are you sure, m’am, because you could be missing out on the deal of your life?!!”

And I’m all, “I don’t think so. I’m all set with my credit.”

Jesus B. Anthony, I hope to God that a credit card with a $5000 line of credit isn’t the deal of my life! Deal of my life: A lifetime supply of artisan cheeses, five million dollars tax free with no strings, having loved ones back from the dead… well, scratch that last one… it could stank.

I actually had one guy whine on the phone to me as if I were his fellatio-withholding big-haired tan girlfriend: “Come ooooon, m’am. Pleeeease?!!!” It was gross. Amoebas on fleas on rats. I told him I couldn’t see his winning smile over the phone so whining like a baby wasn’t going to get him where he wanted to go.

Have you guys ever seen this terrible show Home Delivery? It’s SO BAD!!! They shoot about five minutes of footage and then stretch it over half an hour. You see the same stupid thirty seconds over and over again. It’s the WORST. The only thing I like about it is that it also has the most terrible theme song that is fun to pop and lock to. It’s basically a show about helping people overcome (some cheaters, some 700-pound women eating chicken skin), so the theme song goes, “It’s your time to shine!” I’ve adopted this little musical line to sing when extras on other television shows really POP onscreen. For example, on Law & Order recently, a raven-haired guard taking a murderer back to his cell really popped! His eyes flashed and his alertness was unrivaled. I couldn’t help but sing, “It’s your time to shine!”

Look at it:

It’s so shitty it looks like they’re taking the picture themselves!

“Fuck it, Dude. Let’s go bowlin’.” —Walter Lobchak

The Coen Brothers never cease to make my heart smile.