So I have a snow Nazi on my hands. She is a real firecracker, this one. She stoned me when I was at the breakfast table, she stoned me when I was young and able� and so forth. Here�s the story:

My doorbell rings yesterday morning after a night of white wine, sweaty monkey balls, and general sordid activities that make Catholics and Mormons squirm�I think Brent and I would have managed to offend our entire families with the night�s activities had they known. Anyway, I jump out of bed all �WHODAT� like Latifah in that Bringing Down The House preview, thinking it might be UPS wielding my rug from ebay that was already sent back to the seller once and I just couldn�t afford another $34.95 in S&H.

But no. It was not my rug. It was a bespectacled powerhouse of a middle-aged brown haired Betty here to complain about my un-shoveled sidewalk. Now. I just moved. I am learning these things. But this sidewalk vigilante decided to take the law in her own hands and got all up in my nut, �YOU NEED TO CLEAR THE WALK PEOPLE ARE WALKING IN THE STREET I�VE ALMOST GOTTEN HIT BY A CAR SEVERAL TIMES PEOPLE WHIP AROUND THAT CORNER KIDS WALK TO SCHOOL THE ELDERLY THE DISABLED THE WHALES.� I�m all, �ok�� trying to clear the sleep out of my eyes and the whisky out of my brain and� and�

�I COME FROM THE CAMBRIDGE BLAH DE BLAH AND OUR OFFICES ARE RIGHT IN CENTRAL SQUARE SO I JUST DECIDED TO WALK OVER THE POLICE SENT YOU A TICKET FOR $25 YOU NEED TO PAY IT BUT YOU NEED TO CLEAR THE WALK DID YOU GET THE TICKET?�

Me: �No.�

�THEY SENT IT MONDAY YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN IT BY NOW.�

Me: �No, not yet. You know, I just moved and I�m learning this stuff. Sorry about the sidewalk. We�ll see what we can do. But it�s pretty icy and hard to get at without a proper shovel and rock salt.�

�YOU NEED TO CLEAR THE WALK. I LIVE RIGHT ON MCGEE STREET AND PEOPLE HAVE TO WALK IN THE STREET BECAUSE OF YOUR SIDEWALK. I�VE NEARLY GOTTEN HIT BY A CAR SEVERAL TIMES.�

Me: �I will clear the walk but I WON�T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU GETTING HIT BY A CAR.�

�WELL YOU NEED TO CLEAR IT AND YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT TICKET BY NOW.�

Ok. So I hate this woman. She got me when I was sleeping. With the walls down. She fucked my day up the ass and then she made it eat her shit with a mother-of-pearl spoon. Brent and I tried to rock the shovel as much as we could after she left but to little avail. But there is plenty of room to walk. And the big snow mound is in front of my unfortunate neighbor Beverly�s driveway. She made me know it was her driveway when she yelled at my inspector when he walked on it while doing my home inspection before I moved in.

I spent the day running around getting stuff done. I had therapy, which was lovely, and had some other unsavory things to do. When I finally got home at 6:30 I decided to do my NYC Ballet Workout DVD to settle myself. Well, during Section 17, �Reverence,� where we �bow and give praise to the art form which is, for each dancer, a private affair of the soul,� AKA Cool down, my doorbell rings. I answer it, thinking maybe Kristin is dropping in on me on her way home from work. (Which was a mistake because Kristin would never come over without calling as she knows how weird I can be about the phone and the doorbell. When I was unpacking I actually crouched down in the kitchen when the doorbell rang, amidst packing paper and Canonsburg Temporama Atomic pattern plates, hiding until they had to be gone).

It�s Brown Betty at the door again.

�YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SIDEWALK RIGHT AWAY YOU NEED TO DO IT THE ELDERLY THE CHILDREN THE MANATEES YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF IT.�

Me: �Are you going to keep coming back until I do?�

�YES.�

Me: �I�ve had a hell of a day and I haven�t had time to do much about it. We chipped away at the ice earlier but it won�t budge. I need to get rock salt and a decent shovel. I have a garden shovel. It�s pure ice. But there�s a clear area to walk.�

�WE STILL HAVE TO WALK IN THE STREET YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT AWAY DID YOUR TICKET COME IN THE MAIL TODAY?�

Me: �No.�

�THEY SENT IT MONDAY, THEY SAID, YOU SHOULD HAVE IT BY NOW.�

Me: �IT ISN�T HERE YET. I�LL DO WHAT I CAN, ALRIGHT?�

�YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT AWAY.� As she�s walking away.

Me: �OKAY!!!!!� I screamed at her. And slammed the door as hard as a could and screamed �FUCKING BITCH!� at the top of my lungs. And then I went and bought rock salt and a decent shovel, making myself late for Das Otto Cats practice. But I put a whole load of salt out there and cursed Brown Betty up and down. This was all after I called my sister and cried like a maniac.

That bitch got me when I was open TWICE.

So I wrote a HOT HOT HOT note and affixed it to my front door with a floor plan of my home, to show that the driveway with all of the snow in front does not belong to me, hence, is not my responsibility. Now, I�m a nice girl. You do nice by me, I do nice by you. I would have shoveled Beverly�s area had she not also been a royal panty-twister bitch, yelling at my inspector and yelling at Brent because we put the garbage out on the wrong night the first week we were here. So fuck Beverly.

Snow Vigilante from McGee Street:

If you ring my doorbell this morning I will call the police and report you for harassment. I work from home and do not appreciate being disturbed. I will pay the ticket (if it exists) when it gets here�don�t worry your little head about that.

I salted and shoveled as best I could. And as you can see from the attached house floor plan, the area covered in snow is in front of my neighbor�s property, and not my responsibility. So I suggest, if you must harass someone, go next door. But let me strongly advise you to be less abrasive. You might be pleasantly surprised by the results. People really react to kindness, as they do to attitude.

-Jenn

Argh. Yes, I need to get a life as does Brown Betty.