Ok. I wasn�t going to write about this anymore but he�s forced me to because he�s infringing. Every time he opens his mouth he shows what an even bigger asshole he is. Bear with me.

Once upon a time I recorded with this guy. Beginning last summer, actually until about mid-March. Basically, for the record, how it worked is that we talked about music, he came over and I played him a few of my songs that I had written over the last few years, upon which he said, �oh, that sounds good�why don�t you put a such and such part here and a harmony here.� The first song we worked on is one that I had written/recorded the day before called �Spiders.� I didn�t realize the whole thing had the potential to turn into a stone soup situation because the facts seemed blatantly obvious�we would co-write some songs, perhaps (which we did, and those songs are weaker now that I�ve had time to sit with them than the ones I wrote alone), but basically he was helping me co-produce a few of my songs. At some point I agreed with him that we were �a band,� even though he only played the tambourine (and on one song this rising up slide guitar thing) and I was singing/playing keyboard/guitar/bass/recording. You get the picture. At some point (actually, I can pinpoint it just like Bart pinpoints the moment you can see Ralph�s heart breaking) he got really excited and turned it into his religion. �I have nothing else going on good in my life right now,� he told me. It became his crusade. And his pace became wrong for me, as he was pushing pushing pushing and it felt like there was no air in the room. He took up all the emotional space. I started to feel like a caged bird and like blood to a shark and tried to subtly push him back a few inches. I tried to tell him again and again that I wanted to take things more at my own pace. He ostentatiously backed off for like a week in that �I�m not touching you! I�m not touching you!� way. See, he had lost his job a while back and when he heard how good the music was that, yes, he had some hand in the outcome of some of these songs, and I�ve never denied that, he got all, �we need to go into the studio right now and mix down and everything because if something is going to come out of this and money is to be made I need it right now, sooner than later.� I didn�t want this thing to become about money. Music is one of the few things that don't always have to be about the almighty greenback. Hence, Jennifer was sucked into his emotional tornado. The thing is, I enjoyed working with him. And then things got weird. And he started writing about �my band� on his web site, without mention of credits and whatnot. I�m a generous person but when it comes to my intellectual property and songs that I wrote 2 and a half years ago, I want credit. He would write �These two songs that Jenn and I (AKA Pocket Symphony [�a name he had decided to glue onto us]) recorded at our last session.� Now that�s true, indeed we did record them, but how convenient to leave out any semblance of credit or anything. Purposefully bare bones minimum, to imply the most possible control he could have. The only thing that will be obvious to the listener is that it�s not him singing. But he�s not fucking Moby, for God�s sake, and I�m not some girl singer he decided to pin onto this �project� like a cheap paper doll dress.

Well, I just found them up on his web site without even a mention of me. I feel like the fucking little mermaid with her voice in Ursula�s shell. And I didn�t sell my soul. Some of these are songs I wrote when my mother was really sick, when I was despairing and mean a lot to me as they got me through some hard times (which doesn't even seem like something I would ever have to justify), and just because he has them in a form that we talked about together and hence recorded, he thinks he can do what he pleases with them. To him, the outcome of the recordings (which probably are not even my final product) are more important than the songs themselves� his excuse awhile back for not giving �credit,� or when it started to feel like bad touch to me and I tried to tell him I wasn�t sure I wanted to work with him anymore, was that �this music is bigger than us.� Yes. Of course it�s bigger than him. I�m playing every fucking instrument. And he didn�t want my brother-in-law and friend John to play drums and bass on it because he was afraid it would destroy �the intimacy of what we created.� Gross. Of course not! It would destroy the little control he had over it. And when I told him I wanted to take the songs into the studio and bring in live strings, etc., he called in a cold sweat and said he was, �really worried.� And I hadn�t even said he wasn�t going to be involved! I had every intention of having him come along! But that wasn�t enough control for him and he felt it slipping. The moment someone else marched on the scene these would cease to be songs that were bigger than just the two of us and all of a sudden other people would be involved that would need to be acknowledged. And as I already told you, he was having a hard enough time acknowledging me. I mentioned to him in my parting letter (five pages, pulled no punches) that while recorded music is indeed important and poignant (and yes, George Martin was knighted�but I have a feeling he actually pushed some buttons) there is a reason why MTV Unplugged albums do so well�there needs to be a song to record. I WROTE the FUCKING songs. And Steve Albini, while giving In Utero its very sound, single-handedly engineering it, which is not something shitwad did for me, he never expected to be part of Nirvana. Nor did Butch Vig try to be part of Smashing Pumpkins after Siamese Dream. And these were milestone albums! And yet shitwad was still part of a �band� with me, which was ok, until that wasn�t enough for him either. Maybe the difference is that Mr. Albini and Mr. Vig had other things going on?

And as I mentioned before, my brother-in-law and friend are playing drums and bass on several of the songs and jerkwater doesn�t give them one iota of credit either. I was never for a moment going to put these songs anywhere without a credit to fucknut, whom I consider to be an editor of sorts, a co-producer, but here they are: http://www.eliotwilder.com/ps.asp with a fake little cartoon band, on his site, with no fucking credits to me at all. With a smug little �Comments� button leading directly to the open heart of his signmyguestbook, looking for the love and compassion he can�t give himself. I�m not the fucking Gorillaz. There�s a real girl with a voice behind those songs and years of stuff, good and bad, which made me write them. He�s so much more of a stealing asshole than I ever gave him credit for. And he called me �princess� and �piggish� and said shit about me �asserting my ego.� Well, you know what? What in hell else am I supposed to do when someone is posting MY SONGS to web sites he doesn�t even tell me about (yes, I�m a Goddamn sleuth and I do my own little web crawl every month) with no credits attached??? We have egos for a reason.

But it doesn�t matter because no one gives a shit anyway and no one is downloading them or commenting on them. But I told him so long ago, even when we were working together, that I didn�t want free downloadable versions of my songs up. So here he is, thinking I�m so fucking evil that copyright infringement suddenly becomes ok. Because I removed my teat from his mouth. He goes on about the Beatles and how they made something �bigger than them� and no one�s ego ever got in the way. What kind of fucking utopia are you living in, guy? Are you kidding me? Egos abound! Egos ahoy! Besides that, there�s a reason why everyone knows that George Harrison wrote �I�m Only Sleeping,� �While My Guitar Gently Weeps,� and other equally amazing pieces�because there are CREDITS AFTER EVERY SONG NAME. Maybe you wouldn�t have it that way. I would. I would indeed have it that way because I like to hear the nuances between songs and see who wrote what. I am a huge lover of the Individual. The things that color one�s work are important to me. I am not a musical communist. Spread the talent and work, some for everyone, and efface the individual. Fuck that. Art is selfish. And that�s what we love about it.

One could argue it�s free publicity, of course. We�ll see what I�ll argue.

And anyway� the bottom line is that since I wrote and performed those songs, I will write and perform more just as great, I have no doubts. He may very well not. Unless he finds another unsuspecting and ultimately empathetic sot�s teat to suck on. And while he doesn�t like to think of this as an apron string situation, there he his, putting up my songs, under the link of �E�s Music.� As if it�s ONLY his. And he calls me egotistical! Amazing! I mean, does he believe he wrote them and performed them? What the fuck? Does he put on a wig and dress like Norman Bates and run around the house with a knife lip-synching to my voice, casting hunched arachnid shadows on the walls?

A close friend of mine made a good point too�that it�s REALLY sad, when you think about it, that someone who writes, who obviously revolves his life around what he produces getting the attention, needed to even undermine his writing and all the things he loves enough to just give himself the attention.

Oh well. �What would Madonna do?� has been a popular thing for me to ask myself of late. I�ll keep you updated on that front. In the meantime, go here: http://www.eliotwilder.com/ps.asp to listen to some of my songs (even though I didn�t want them up for free downloads, but I figure, I like you people and if I want anyone to download my songs for free it�s you good people here at diaryland�and beyond)! Since there�s no credits there, I�ll give them to you here (btw, I'm not calling myself Pocket Symphony� which was another Original E. Thievery in itself, as it�s really Brian Wilson�s phrase, not shitwad�s*):

FUSS IS JENN S.:

1. Spiders (Jenn S.) Keyboard/vox, Jenn S., Brian Trim drums at end (although I will say I�m not sure which version he has up because my aol media player�s a pain. And though my first instinct would be to say he wouldn�t put the one up with Brian and John on it because he was so against having them play because it would �destroy the intimacy of what we created,� I have a feeling he couldn�t resist putting up the BEST version and taking the MOST credit for the LEAST work). And disembodied phone voice at the end, which is shitwad.

2. The Miserablist (Jenn S., with end lyrics by shitwad) I play guitar/keyboard, Brian Trim plays drums and John McFaul plays bass. Tambourine, gr�ce � shitwad. Also, this song is really called �Humans.�

3. Darkness Visible (Jenn S. music, words by shitwad) I play all the instruments on this song. Oh yeah, lest I forget, shitwad romanced the tambourine again on this Garbage-esque number.

4. Blue in the Night (Jenn S.) Me: guitars/keyboard/vox. Brian Trim: drums, John McFaul: bass. One of my best songs methinks.

5. Night and Day (Cole Porter) I play the keyboard and sing on this one. That�s everything. The background track is by Raymond Scott, who made one of the first synthesizers. I stretched the track so that it would be slower and lower and shitwad suggested I sing it in French (which makes him think he owns it, I guess). I think it sounds like a French/Japanese film where a girl in running on wet black streets.

6. The Girl (shitwad) You�ll get to see the vocal styling of shitwad on this one. It�s a sweet song that his old band-mates and he co-wrote twenty years ago (he doesn�t give them credit either�I think the guy playing the acoustic guitars is named Bob something or other, I figure somebody�s got to give the guy credit, so here I am picking up the slack). I think I sing a couple little backups on it.

7. (interlude) an itty-bitty thing, me music, words Joe Frank. Shitwad used to work with him on his radio show. Remind me to tell you the story about the Holy Tire Iron.

8. Gone (words: shitwad, music: Jenn S.) I do everything on this song too.

9. Tinyman (Jenn S.) Again, I play everything on this song. Brian Trim maybe plays drums on it? The original version can be found here. I wrote it about several other music-related men in my life from a few years ago, when I was younger, who tried to take advantages of the Jenn S. You don�t fuck with Da Jenn S.! Anyway, who knew how prophetic it would be!

10. July 23rd Thunderstorm (Jenn S.) Yep. Me again, going and playing all the instruments. Damn, you, Jenn S. Incidentally, this song was written on July 23rd, 1999.

11. Anything Now (Jenn S.) Right! You guessed it! I�m whipping out the guitar/keyboard/vox while Brian Trim lays down some hot beats on the skins and John McFaul rocks the bass party on this feel good number about returning to eighteen years of age in one�s mind. I think you�ll enjoy the bit of Booker T.-ness to it. I really like this song.

12. My Story (shitwad�s story, my music) This is a sad song. I do everything on it except for the Wizard of Oz-like (appropriately�pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain) tornado slide guitar that I�m not even sure is on this version. I even said, �I won�t do anything with �My Story� because I know how important and close to you it is.� I said that in the pull no punches letter. I guess, though, since he decided to put all of MY SONGS on HIS SITE under �My Music� I could even wipe my ass with this song if I wanted.

13. Everyone�s Gone to the Moon (Jonathan King) I play everything on this song except for the sleighbell and radio at the end which were manned by the elusive shitwad. This is a really nice song with something Wes Anderson about it. I�m not sure. Anyway, shitwad had played me a version by Chad & Jeremy (maybe that�s what�s Wessy about it�he has their �Summer Song� on the Rushmore soundtrack, which, if you haven�t already, get your ass out there and BUY IT!) and we decided to do one too. I like this song too.

Also, it should be noted that all of these songs were recorded Chez Jenn S. in Jenn S.�s studio and mixed at Q Division and Renaissance, engineered by the loveable and talented local hero Dan McLoughlin. I�m all about giving credit where credit is due. If that makes me �vain black and monstrous,� as stankass has described me, so be it. I feel much better now. Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. Please no not adjust your screens. What you have witnessed here is true catharsis and has not been changed to protect the innocent.

When I go back into the studio in the fall to polish/record/rerecord I�ll let y�all know how it goes. I have a bunch of other songs that luckily shitwad didn�t pry outta my apron pocket that I�ll share with you.

*If you�re not going to give me credit, I�m going to call you whatever the hell I want. You�re not even the first shitwad. Hop on the bus. You�re just another link in the chain of men who asked me not to make them another link in the chain.

Word of the Day for Sunday August 4, 2002:

stasis STAY-sis; STAS-is, noun;

plural stases STAY-seez; STAS-eez:

1. A state of balance, equilibrium, or stagnation.

2. Stoppage of the normal flow of a bodily fluid or semifluid.

The reality of governance was not stasis but change; institutions did not operate according to mechanical laws, they evolved organically. --Jerry L. Mashaw, [1]Greed, Chaos, and Governance

By the 1960s Colombia had settled into an enforced stasis, with Marxist guerrillas in the hills and jungles (modern successors to the bandido tradition) and a central government increasingly dominated by a small group of rich, elite Bogot� families, powerless to effect change and, anyway, disinclined. --Mark Bowden, [2]Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World's Greatest Outlaw

Whether trabeated, arcuated, or suspended, a structure seeks stasis by balancing forces in tension and compression. --James F. O'Gorman, [3]ABC of Architecture

Stasis comes from Greek stasis, "a standing still," from histasthai, "to stand."